What Causes a Lack of Communication in Marriage?

When you first met, conversations flowed so easily you barely had to try. You could talk about everything and nothing, and it felt natural to stay close. But now the silence between you feels heavier. One of you tries to talk and is met with distance. The other stays quiet because every conversation seems to turn into conflict.

You might look at each other across the kitchen and think, How did we get here?

A lack of communication does not happen overnight. It builds through hundreds of small moments, missed cues, hurt feelings, and tension no one names, until eventually the gap feels too wide to cross.

Here is the truth I see with couples every single week. Communication is rarely the real problem. It is a symptom of something deeper. And once you understand what is actually happening underneath, the path forward becomes clearer.

Why Communication Breaks Down

Most couples assume poor communication means they need better skills. Techniques. Scripts. Active listening. But communication tools only work when both people feel emotionally safe.

Without that foundation, even the right words land wrong.

When partners stop communicating, it is often because they no longer feel safe enough to speak honestly. The tone shifts, tension builds, and conversations feel risky instead of connecting. Before long, both people begin protecting themselves the only way they know how by shutting down, staying busy, or keeping things surface level to avoid another blowup.

I hear this in my office all the time. One partner says, “I do not bring things up anymore because it always turns into something.” The other quietly admits, “I am afraid I will say the wrong thing and make it worse.”

What looks like silence is almost always self-protection.

How Protection Shows Up

In Internal Family Systems therapy, we think of these reactions as protector parts, the parts of you that step in to keep you safe.

Some protectors push for answers. They ask questions, raise concerns, or try to keep the connection alive. Other protectors pull away. They go quiet, shut down, or change the subject because it feels too overwhelming to stay in the intensity.

Both responses make sense.

But together, they often form the cycle so many couples describe.

One person pursues, hoping talking will bring closeness.
The other withdraws, hoping space will keep things calm.

The more one pushes, the more the other pulls away.

I see this play out in session all the time. One partner leaning in with urgency. The other leaning back with fear. Both hurting. Both believing the other does not understand.

The Pattern Beneath the Arguments

Most couples are not fighting each other. They are fighting the pattern that takes over between them.

The Cycle Beneath the Silence

When communication feels impossible, what you are really seeing is two nervous systems reacting at once.

One body says, Come closer, I need you to hear me.
The other says, Please stop, I cannot take any more.

Both are trying to find safety.

In Emotionally Focused Therapy, we slow these moments down. We help you see that neither of you is the problem. The cycle is. Once couples can name this cycle, everything softens. They start realizing they are not on opposite sides. They are actually longing for the same thing, to feel understood and emotionally close again.

I often hear someone say, “I know in my mind he steps away because he feels overwhelmed. But in my heart, it still lands like he does not care.” That tension between what you know logically and what you feel emotionally is exactly what keeps couples stuck.

What You Might Notice in Your Own Relationship

You might recognize some of these signs of a growing communication gap:

• Conversations stay practical, about schedules, kids, or logistics, but rarely emotional.

• You hold things in until they spill out in irritation or tears.

• When you try to express yourself, your partner seems distracted or defensive.

• You start to believe your partner just does not care, or that you are too much to handle.

These are not signs of a failing relationship. They are signs of pain that has not yet been heard.

How Couples Start Reconnecting

Repairing communication does not start with talking better. It starts with learning to listen differently, to yourself and to each other.

A powerful shift often happens when couples begin noticing what happens inside right before communication breaks down.

Does your chest tighten?
Do you feel shame, anger, or sadness rise up?
Does your mind go blank?

These are protector parts stepping in.

When you slow down and get curious about those inner reactions, you can share from a more grounded place.

“When we start talking about this, I feel myself tense up. I think a part of me is scared you will get upset.”

In moments like this, I often hear a partner say something like, “I can count on one hand the amount of times he has actually let me in to what is going on for him. This feels so good that he is actually sharing his insides.” You can feel the whole room shift when that lands. Defenses lower. Breath returns. The cycle softens.

And when the other person can respond with something like, “I did not realize that is what was happening. I want to understand,” the pattern begins to loosen its grip.

What Healing Communication Feels Like

As emotional safety grows, couples start to notice small shifts.

Conversations feel calmer.
Defensiveness fades.
You start to trust that even hard talks will not spiral.
There is more laughter, more ease, and more hope.

I have had partners look at each other and say, “I can count on one hand the amount of times he has actually let me into his inner world.” And then, with this mix of relief and tenderness, they add, “It feels so good to finally hear what is really happening inside.” Those moments are not about perfect communication. They are about real connection.

Good communication is not about getting every word right. It is about being able to come back to each other after a rupture and repair.

How Therapy Helps

In couples therapy, we slow everything down to a pace where both partners can actually stay present. We explore the parts of you that shut down, the parts that push, and the vulnerable emotions underneath both.

My work is grounded in Emotionally Focused Therapy and Internal Family Systems. Together, these approaches help couples move from talking around issues to finally sharing what is really happening inside.

I have seen couples who walked into my office barely speaking end up holding hands through tears just a few sessions later, not because their problems vanished, but because they finally felt safe enough to reach for each other again.

That is what changes communication. That is what rebuilds connection.

Repair Is Possible

With the right support, you can slow the cycle, hear each other differently, and rebuild a connection that feels steady and safe, even after years of silence or misunderstanding.

The Bottom Line

A lack of communication is not the end of a marriage. It is a signal that both of you are hurting and doing your best to protect yourselves.

When you begin understanding those protections and reaching for each other instead of retreating, communication starts to flow again, naturally, gently, and with genuine care.

To learn more about how couples therapy can help you rebuild communication and closeness, visit our Couples Therapy in Columbia, MD page.

For a deeper look at how therapy helps partners move from disconnection to understanding, read The Ultimate Guide to Couples Therapy in Columbia, MD.

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